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Thursday, March 9th, 2006
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11:15 am - NEW JOURNAL OMG
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Oh my ga-hod. I've got a new journal. I'm closing this one on Sunday..so..yeah. Hopefully you all see this. My new journal is going to be NEW. So..none of that angste and stuff. Maybe a bit of pain here and there, but nothing like this. NEWWW JOURNAL. Oh yeah.
Boku_no_tsumi.livejournal.com That's the new journal. ^_^;
I love you, Jessica. <3
current mood:  cheerful
current music: The End by Gazette
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9:50 am - The Room.
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Yesterday was alright.. I spent the last part of the day before about 8-9 with Jessica.. She was nice..we had some fun..nothing too serious. She left to go do homework and sleep, so I couldn't talk to her much after I had another problem that night.
So..I talked to Deanna. =) It was nice to talk to her again. She's a nice girl. She sounds exactly the same. XD; It was like "Wow..time hasn't gone by at all..". I wish I'd have called her before to avoid all that other non-sense. She's mean as hell though >< Scratch that last part about her being nice. She was like "I took you off of my friends list because you updated like 50 times a day about the same thing". AND "You suck too much for anything to happen between us at all ever again". I don't even KNOW how that came up. XD But it was funny. But.. I'm sorry to everyone on my friend's list for that.
I dreamt about Jessica again and Deanna..x_x; I dreamt that I went to Deanna's house..and her house was like Jessica's..and Deanna was all affectionate and happy to see me..it was a cool dream..I think..x_X;; It made me feel weird because that's what I thought about when I was with her.. So..I don't know =/
The dream about Jessica was just about friday..and what I want to do today..<<..=X; Oh..and..I'm going to want to write about it..but...I know I shouldn't..but...=X;; I don't know..we'll see..
Jessica was really sweet when I called her though..she was falling asleep and said she'd get up and get some water if I really needed to talk to her and keep her up a bit..she didn't mind, but she has school and I couldn't do that to her.. It wasn't her problem, nor is it anyone else's. She was half asleep, but she whispered "I love you.." before she went to bed..I was "Ahh..that..sounded nice.." I said it back..but..I don't really know if I LOVE her, you know? After she was like "I'll see you tomorrow, Alex..I can't wait..*giggles half asleep..*" because I told her..I would..=O. Hehehe.
I'm getting over that problem more and more each day. It's not my problem anymore. I'm still waiting though.. But something inside me wants to be talking to Deanna and Thea and all the other girls I used to again, even though I have someone here near me. It's just this need inside that needs someone to talk to before I go to bed. Jessica goes to sleep around 10 because..she's kind of like how I used to be. XD; I don't blame her because she's got to be up early to get dressed and makeup..I need to get her to let me take a picture of her. T_T She's so pretty all the time..all of her cloths..everything about her.. Ah! How could I be so stupid?? This girl wants to be my girlfriend, and I'm crying over some girl 700 miles away!! Sure, that girl is a wonderful person and make my heart race whenever we're talking and she's not being a bitch or telling me how great Dane is, but I have a girl who's got the potential to make me feel the same! So why won't I let her? Because I'm scared of her not being the SAME EXACTLY as Hanna. But I was scared of the same thing with Deanna..I was scared that I wouldn't find someone who made me feel like Deanna did. But I was wrong. No one would ever be LIKE Deanna, but I discovered new feelings for new people and new things. Hanna just made such an impact on my life and I made her out to be my dream girl, and when that happened, POOF I'm fucked. The risk of me being heartbroken more than if I just had Hanna on everyone else's level increased 100 fold. That is why I am 'fucked up' as Deanna put it.
However, and here comes the damn duality in my brain and feelings, my heart still belongs to Hanna. Everything inside my heart still yearns to be with her..but now Jessica and any other girl that comes my way (i'm very fickle now..><) is on the outside..and jessica is seeping in.. It's pushing Hanna out slowly..but...
There's this room inside my house..it's kept locked and closed off to the rest of the house.. People come and go, in and out of this house everyday because I allow them to..
The door to the room is painted a violet color..it's etched with the most beautiful butterfly in the middle of where the door parts.. The key hole is small..for one solitary key..that someone has..
People change as the seasons, weathering this house slowly, but surely.. Except one.. The door remains locked to anyone.. No one asks..I don't tell..
Inside are the memories..inside are the dreams..only you have the key..so don't lose it..
So the fisherman sat in his house and looked out his window at his old love..watching her do things with her new love that he wishes he had.. He had no right to tell anyone about what he saw or heard, but wrote and told anyway..he needed some sort of release and writing was the key.. He was beginning to become happier and happier without his old love..yet..his heart still yearned for her, even if his old love's heart didn't yearn back.. However, he began to smile more and let himself go more around his new love..what will become of the fisherman and the girl..?
My anger towards the world grows as your happiness becomes more and more physical with your world..maybe I just need to do the same to smile once more..
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: Garden by Dir en grey
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| Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
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10:15 pm - Ugh!!
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I FUCKING HATE THIS. I always do this.
I called Hanna. And she tells me about how much of a whore she is. -____-!!!! I wasn't suppose to!! I was fine not even caring!!! Noooo no. I called her. I got myself all hurting and shit. URGH. Why? Why do I put up with her childishness? This is bullshit. Whatever. I'm going to stop holding myself back around jessica. I'm tired of thinking of Hanna's feelings when all she does is give her fucking body to a useless peice of shit like Dane.
I'm done with this shit. I'm going to call Jessica and hope she's not sleeping or doing homework.. *sighs*
Oh, and why doesn't anyone believe me? Why would I lie about some girl and make this huge elaborate story? Or even feel better about someone imaginary? -___-;;;
You smiled upon your world so much that you lost sight of the only one who'll ever smile upon you forever. Have a nice fucking life.
current mood:  angry
current music: Nothing. -_-
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12:07 pm - *meeeelllllttttt*
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Oh...my..god..what a nice night. T_T;; I called Jessica and we talked a lot.. She was resentful about how much of a fool I was for Hanna. I told her that I was ready to get over her and she was like 'oh my god, really?' and I said yeah..so I'm taking her out on friday. <333 She was so happy. And..I asked her why she liked me so much and she said it was because of how sweet I was to her that first day and how much of myself I put myself into a girl, even if it was annoying sometimes after she broke up with me. She also said she thought I was cute T_T!!! I melted..a real girl said I was cute..ahh.. I also dreamt of her!! AH!!! I'm so happy!!! I dreamt of seeing her at an airport and she sat next to me..her blue eyes were all bright and glowing.. It was weird though. She tried to hold me back from going onto the next plane which had Hanna on it. And when I went to jump on that one, the ceiling was too low for me. I could fit through the cracks that everyone else could. If it was ever going to be me and Hanna, Hanna would have to go through and find me.. Hehehe..^^;; Anyway! I'm going to get her today from school and I'm going to stay over there at her house. Mmm..I can't wait T_T She's so awesome.. I kind of let myself fall into her last night.. But..that wasn't that made me melt.. She said "Alex, I'm sorry I rushed everything.. I just wanted to give you what I had for the week you're here and have it be the end of it.. But..I want to wait for you to come back during the summer.." I could hear her smile sort of..I was like "Oh my god..-T___T-!!!" and I kind of left my mouth open..and she continued.. "I'm willing to be your girlfriend..but..you have to know that I can't stand thinking that you still have feelings for that girl.." and I..kind of..told her that I'd try and like her and begin to learn how to love her. And she was like "=O REALLY?! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!" and she squeeled. -^_^- IT WAS SO CUTEEEEE OH MY GODDDDD. I have a thing for girls who squeel like fangirls.. Ah..
Anyway. She LOVED my music on my ipod. I forgot to tell her that it was fucked up, so she couldn't really travel around with it. XD She so she had to use the charger on her bed to listen to it. She said she wrote in her little diary thing as she listened to it and wrote about me. <333!!! SHE LOVED C!! SHE LOVED NEW DIRU OH MY GOD. I'm thinking of taking her to the concert and buying her a ticket up front..score. <333
My heart is so happy right now. I can't believe it..I really like her a lot now.. I guess it's because I kind of realized that me and Hanna weren't going to be for a long time..or at least for now.. And that I have to leave Hanna alone. T_T I'm sooooo happy that Jessica wants to be my girlfriend and wait for me during the summer.. Score. Maybe friday will be good for me. <<..>>.. Hehehe.
The one thing that made me most happy is that I had a dream of her.. Her eyes are so pretty..and radient.. She's like a damn model..why would she like me? X_X; Either way, I don't care. She's my girlfriend for now. <333 And I'll practice what I can with her until Hanna is ready. Sccccoooorrreeee
I need new guitar strings.. Jessica reiterated that guitar players are hot..and Hanna told me that sometime before we broke up.. So..I'm going to play a lot. Oh. And I have to send Hanna's book tomorrow. I'll seal it up with tape so Hanna can't read it until she's ready. But I can't have that book lying around anymore.
jissai ai shitai me no mae no sekai wo
sakebu koto wo wasureta no naraba koko de sakebi koko ni ikiru
nando shinde mo sakebi mukau sa koe wo kowashi koe wo koroseba ii
<333 Yay for moving on!!! I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY
current mood: OMFG WHAT IS THIS HAPPY?!
current music: C by Dir en grey
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| Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
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10:18 pm - My mistakes.
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Hmm..well..talking to her too much isn't good.. Hanna doesn't like me talking to her.. So..I guess I have to leave her alone.. Ahh.. It hurts for her not wanting to talk to me.. I guess Jessica was right today.. I'm going to call her and talk to her from now on and not about the same sad shit.. She's been wanting me to talk with her and on a more non-hanna way.. but I always kind of blow her off for Hanna.. My mistake..=/ She's never online either.. She doesn't like sitting at the computer. But I did lend her my ipod with some music for her to listen to. =D I hope she likes it..<3.. I'm kind of..liking her..a bit more..everytime..Hehehe.. Jessica is a bit jealous of Hanna and how much I really care for her.. But..I can't really help it.. I try to be with Jessica and kiss her like..she..wants..? But..The feelings for Hanna get to me.. The desire to be and talk with Hanna gets in the way..but..maybe if I let that go..I'll be fine, ne? Maybe I can just pick her up from school and be with her and just love her for at least one day and see where that leads me.. I'm the kind of guy who jumps into things right away and has my feelings right there out on my sleeve..
So..no more complaining.
No more sadness.
No more bugging Hanna.
Love Jessica..or at least give her what she wants..
That shouldn't be hard, right?
The fisherman lived with another..someone other than he loved..yet he kept visiting his old love all the time, despite her trying to lock him out.. He was sad how she changed the locks on her door and his locks remained the same just for her..as she asked for them to be..but he went to see her less and less.. He'll never know how his old love felt about this..but she made it clear that it's what she wanted.. Will she miss him..? He knows he'll miss her.. But..he'll learn to love his new one..even if she wasn't the one like his old love..
I'll learn to love and live in this world..for you, my love..
current mood: excited
current music: Phone Dialing
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9:45 am - New York City. <3333
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I'm going to New York today with Jessica. I'll take lots of pictures of it. I had a really nice night with Jessica. Her parents said she could go with all of her friends and stuff with us, and gave me their work adress, so if we have time I bring her over. But since her friends aren't going, I can't bring her there because they'll get mad. Anyway.
I dreamt of Hanna again.. It kind of sucks.. I was alone too since Jessica couldn't sleep over.. But I hope I can talk to Hanna again tonight, even for just a little bit. I hope everything goes well for her as well..
The fisherman put his feelings to the side and moved in next to the girl he loved.. The girl would come over and talk to him about her new love and how she wanted him to love her as she loved him.. The fisherman choked back his feelings and listened and gave her hope everyday.. It pained him to hear and read about her new love..but he did it for her..she told him that talking to him made her happy..so there was still hope in his heart somewhere..
Today is going to be so fun >
current mood: hopeful
current music: T.V. commercials
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| Monday, March 6th, 2006
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10:11 pm - You know what?
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None of this sad shit is working. It got Jessica further away (she's coming over now) and it pushes Hanna even further away. Why be sad about something I can't help right now? I know she'll be back because Sunday Night was something. She got jealous. She got sweet. She likes talking to me most of the time when I'm nice and sweet to her. And who can blame me? She's the sweetest and prettiest girl I've ever known. So I'm going to better myself and work at making her want me more and more. Not in an offensive "RAWR HERE I AM" way but in a "Hey Hanna. Don't worry about anything..I'm here for you when you need me..^^" and I will be!! I don't mind being there for her!! I would leave my world for a moment of her time.
Jessica is here. <3 I'm going to go lay down with her because I really wanted someone to lay down with. Maybe Hanna will call and she can talk to her. Either way...yeah.
I'll always always love you, Hanna. I'm always here for you. And I'm honestly rooting for you and Dane. And your happiness. Come back to me soon because I'm lonely without you. But..have your time too..^^ I know we'll be Alex and Hanna again..and..happy non-aniversary tomorrow..^^; Forever love..forever life..forever for you, Hanna.. Ja ne~
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9:50 pm - ._.
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This pain is back..I hate it.. I just want to be with her so bad..but I know she doesn't want it anymore.. I can't help but be sad.. Jessica hates me now too because I wouldn't let Hanna go.. I hate this shit.. I need..something..to ease the pain..at least to get some sleep..
Hanna..I'm sorry I'm so attached.. You're a wonderful girl and this won't ever happen again.. I won't be this sad or weird with you anymore.. It's just when you get kind of irritated with me, it hurts, you know..? All I want is to be close to you.. All I want is your love back, but it's not mine anymore..^^; I understand that.. Please forgive me for fucking up tonight.. I hope Dane calls you... I really do...
There was once this man.. He loved this young girl dearly.. They lived in a small fishing village south of nowhere.. He loved her dearly and watch her as he fished.. She watched him too..or so he thought.. He got the courage to talk to her one day..and she was happy..and they were happy..until a business man came..and swept the girl from her feet.. He bought her a new dress, new shoes, a new life..a life she could be happy with.. And the fisherman was left all alone in his boat.. The girl still wrote to him and he'd always write back..he'd write to her and try to communicate with her more than she would.. He'd tell her the honest truth about how he felt..how the pain was so immense..and it irritated the girl.. He didn't know what to do.. He was never faced with this.. The fisherman never loved, never attached to anything.. What was the fisherman to do..? The one he loved loved someone else.. The one he wanted more than his life was off with someone else..loving and living the life he wanted.. He tried and he tried to get to her until one day she said "No matter how far you come into the city..what we had is no more.. I'm happy now..and all our time together was in making me happy, right? If you still love me, let me be happy.. I'm happy.."
She's happy.. She..is..happy.. And I am happy that she is happy..I need to talk to Jessica..I'm going call her and see if I can sneak over..I need some sort of release..ja ne...<\3
current mood:  sad
current music: Deliver... by Sugizo
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8:40 pm - Throwing me right back..
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You give me a taste..and you rip it from my mouth..and I fucking hate it.. It's not fair. When Dane comes back to you and starts speaking to you and when you don't need me anymore, you throw me away. It's not fair. I keep myself kept and neat for you when you get jealous of Jessica. I kept myself for doing things for you. But..what do I care..? We're just friends..it doesn't even matter..whatever...
current mood: angry
current music: Deliver... by Sugizo
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| Sunday, March 5th, 2006
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11:28 pm - Happy post?! WHAT?!
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YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
She..gave...me..a...*MWAH* T_T HANNA GAVE ME A MWAH!!!!!!!!!! And we talked pretty much all night. <3333333!!!! But she doesn't believe me about Jessica..so I'll let her talk to her the next time I'm with her and she calls. But we talked and we were happy..except..she's jealous..of Jessica. <\3 I don't like Jessica as much as I love Hanna.. Hanna drive me crazy..and Jessica is just something so I'm not alone. I didn't do anything with her.. So..yeah. But Hanna was so nice to me today T_T It made me actually happy today!! OMGYAY!!!!!!!!! I hope this never ends.. I really do.. But..I want her to be happy..so I also hope Dane comes to his senses and sees what a great girl Hanna is..so..yeah.. It hurts to want to give up your happiness, but it's what she deserves for treating me so sweetly..
Thanks again, Hanna..<333
I smiled at the world today..thanks to you..how long will this euphoria last..?
current mood: !@#$ HAPPY?! WHAT?! Yesssssss
current music: Revolve by UVERworld
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9:39 am - I can't f'n believe this..
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Well..it didn't happen.. Why? Because I couldn't.. She cried a bit afterwards..she tried really hard to get me to..she really liked me a lot, even after just one day..she told me she loved me..she layed with me the rest of the night and slept..even though I didn't sleep much..
Why? Because I thought to myself.. "If I do this, there'll be nothing left between me and Hanna..She'll go and have sex with someone else too.." Trust me, my manly instinct was like "Dude, she's so fucking hot. She naked under your covers with you. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY'RE YOU TALKING TO HER NOW?!". She asked me "If it's a break, aren't you suppose to do stuff like this..? See what else is out there..? She's doing it to you.. *wipes eyes off, still crying a bit..*" Yes, yes, yes. However.. This will only last for a week.. After this, she's gone until I come back..and that's if she doesn't find a boyfriend around here and/or I don't find a girlfriend or get back with Hanna (that last part isn't going to happen for a long time...).
Right now..I'm kind of wondering.. Hanna's all over Dane.. She's still in love with him..and I really like this girl.. Why can't I have my week with her..? If I do have sex with her right now, it'll be Hanna's fault that I did because she's the one who broke up with me.. I'm getting kind of pissed off.. My parents are out at church..the house is mine right now.. She's sleeping there in my bed, ready for me to wake her up and be with her.. She wants to be with me..
All last night I had dreams of Hanna with Jessica's hair (They look nothing alike) coming back to me and being all "I want you back.." and me scrambling to my computer to delete everything and somehow erase time.. Then I'd wake up with this huge pain in my chest realizing that it isn't true..that she's all over Dane..and then I felt jessica shuffle and wrap her arms around me again as she slept.. Why should I deny Jessica, a girl who likes me for who I am, anything..? She's awake now asking me stuff..I'm going to go..
Why shouldn't I smile at the world when you're smiling with it..?
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| Saturday, March 4th, 2006
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11:52 pm - After one whole day.. Don't read this, Hanna..you'll be gone forever..
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She's over.. She's in the bathroom getting changed.. .___.! I don't know what to do.. This is what happened so far..
We went to the movie, and it was boring as hell..and she fell asleep on my arm.. It felt so nice.. I stroked her hair a lot.. She was so pretty.. I told her I was going to the bathroom..and I called Hanna.. She talked about how great her day was with Dane.. It hurt so bad.. I'm sorry I lied to you, Hanna.. but you sounded so happy..^^;.. When I got back, she was leaving the movie theatre.. So we talked in my car about everything.. Our dreams.. What we want in life..and..we kissed a lot.. Deliver... by Sugizo was playing.. I was hurting a lot.. When she pulled back and smiled I started singing it..and she blushed.. I was actually singing to Hanna..but then she said "My parents aren't home..and I don't want to sleep alone tonight.." She told her parents who were away for the weekend that her friend invited her over..so they said okay..
We stopped by her house.. She's pretty rich.. "She's going to laugh at my house when she sees it.." ._. I was feeling really bad.. I know this will probably send Hanna away forever.. I told her I'd wait for her in my car until she was ready with her stuff to stay over.. My parents and brother were asleep, so they wouldn't know..or care.. I cried a bit.. I knew what was going to happen..what is going to happen.. ._. I'm..hurting so bad now though..and Jessica is the only one who can ease it now.. I tried talking to Hanna, but her heart is somewhere else.. Heh.. You wanted me to move on..so..here I am.. Ja ne..
She's out now.. She's laying on my bed petting bosco watching some show.. She smiled at me and patted the bed.. I can't let her see what I'm writing..><;; brb..
I came back and told her I had to finish something for school.. She asked me to hurry back because it's cold down here.. I'm scared..but...I really really like her... She's absolutly gorgeous laying in my bed.. I'd take her picture and put it up here..but her boyfriend took a bunch of picture of her before and showed it off to his friends..so she'd rather me not.. We both have hard trust issues..
Why is he writing on his damn computer while a hot girl lays in his bed in a small shirt and some cute pants..? Because I'm scared of what will happen.. Hanna will do it back to me.. But...maybe this is a break..? I don't know.. She loves this Ayumi Trance that is playing.. It made me smile.. I'm glad she likes it.. It's one of my favorites I just told her.. I'm going to go now.. She's really cold..
To Hanna..gomene.. Not that you care.. Your heart is somewhere else.. I'll always be here for you.. Just..call me up whenever you get a bit lonely..if Dane isn't there...heh..
current mood:  anxious
current music: A Song for XX [Ferry Corsten Chilled mix] by Ayumi Hamasaki
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5:18 pm - My days..
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4:50 pm - Still hard..
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Being at the mall and talking to people was okay.. I talked to a few girls that had cute giggles while me and my brother played DDR.. It was alright.. I just started to miss Hanna a lot.. I wanted to hold her and be with her so bad. But..that's not my place anymore..^^; She's with Dane doing that..or with someone..just not me. =( Oh well.. I'm a bit sad now and miss her a lot..but..I'm fine..
I hope you're smiling at the world I'm trying hard to smile at..
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11:03 am - Well..
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Me and Hanna are friends again.. It's nice having her to talk to.. Her boyfriend broke up with her like 2-3 days ago..she didn't tell me.. But she still really really likes him a lot.. So why should i take that from her? I can't either way..her feelings will always be there..but talking to her is nice..even if she talks about him a lot.. I don't mind at all. She's a great person to talk to..and if that's the only bit of relief I get, then I'll take it..
I'm home again. And took a ton of pictures..and I won't be going to NYC today.. I'll go on Tuesday.. I'll take lots of pictures then..^^ I'll be sure to post the pictures here as well.
Even if just smiling a bit in my world is painful, i'll do it so you can smile at the world..
current mood:  blank
current music: Home sounds
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| Friday, March 3rd, 2006
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4:18 pm - Hahahaha@!!
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God..help me..please! Please help me find some happiness within all this pain. Find someone who I can be with forever.. Someone who I can love and cherish again.. Someone..anyone... Please god, keep my safe from hurting myself..keep me from going crazy..I don't want to be a crazy person..Why? Why am I here anymore? why do I need to do so well in school anymore? Bye bye...
I'm so pitiful! Look at me! Crying over HANNA. HAHAHAHA. HAHASDHA:KSHS
i can't breath. I can't speak. and I'm almost praying that the plane crashes!! HAHAHA.
Why did I get so attached? Why do I feel so strongly to the point where I'm talking to myself? wow. Hahaha. What a loser, ne?
Come one come all - a masochist is born! Living, thriving, feeding off of this pain! A sadist to himself!
Come one come all - a child is born! Crying, thrashing, dependant on her!
Come one come all - a loser is born! He was left for some boy who can treat his angel better!
Come one come all - A failure is born! He lost the one he loved and now he can't live without her!
Come one come all - A liar is born! He thinks he's fine! He thinks he's over her! HAHAHA
Only a few pennies will get you in..
Walk over the the nearest garbage bin..
He'll be there crying
And he'll have you buying..
A show for his one way ticket to hell..
Come one come all... I am born.. Living, thriving, feeding off of this pain.. A sadist to myself..
Come one come all... I am born.. Crying, thrashing, dependant on you...
Come one come all... I am born.. I was left for some boy who can treat his you better..
Come one come all... I am born.. I lost the one I loved and now I can't live without you..
Come one come all... I am born.. I think I'm fine.. I thinks I'm over you..
current mood: sad
current music: Nothingness by Me..
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4:10 pm - Bye bye!
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Bye..bye..bye bye..bye..my angel..goodbye...bye...bye..bye..sayounara...Hasta un dia.. Bye bye..!! Bye!!
I deleted all your emails! I deleted all your pictures! Bye bye!! BYE BYE!!!! GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!! BYE!!!!!!!!!!
I'm hysterical right now! ^_^ But I'm great!!! Bye bye!!! BYE BYE@!@Q@# I'm over you!!! BYE BYE!!!
I'm fine and Happy now!!! BYE BYE!!!!
No more memories!!! BYE BYE!!!!!!!!
No more love!!! BYE BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want you so bad..bye bye...
I love you so much..bye bye...
I'll miss you..bye bye...
I need you..bye bye...
Come back..please...bye bye...
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3:26 pm - Yurameki...
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I can't go home, I want to forget a love that never wavered with you.
That day, I disappeared from your eyes. At that point what could I do ?
Looking at you breaking down in tears, I held you more tightly than usual,
but you didn't change. How could I have not noticed that now your love was gone...
I was really a fool, wasn't I ?
Is this how we'll end it ? For some reason when I think of you the tears flow.
I won't ever hurt you again. Because now at this time I want to hold you.
I betrayed your love too much, didn't I ?..." The present will never again be like it was three years ago "
why did we meet ? What did I leave you with ?
I'll keep continuing to wait until we meet again.
I can't go home, I want to forget even the memories. The heart I loved you with hurts,
eternally a love which I didn't have until now...
our love will never return.
current mood: crying..
current music: Yurameki by Dir en grey
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11:14 am - I broke...
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I snapped this morning.. I couldn't handle it.. And I called her.. She was sweet about it.. But.. I was too kind of chocked up on pain that I'd let her calm me down..
It hurts so so much.. Can you make it dissapear? Just one more time?
I can't deal with this.. There's seriously something wrong with me to be attached to someone so strongly that I can't sleep, eat, deal with anything. My body is so weak and so fucking pained from everything. I hate this shit. I can't stand this pain anymore. I cried a lot in the shower because I was like "The two weeks mean nothing, huh.." and she said "You're the one who made that.." and I was like "We both know what the answer after the two weeks is.." and she stayed silent..and then said she had to go..
My wrist..my arms..my legs..my head..everything hurts for you, my love..From the choice you made..from the knife etching your name into my heart constantly..
I know you read this.. So tell me..how do you feel when you read this? When you read how much I love you..when you read how much I want you..when you read how much this pains me..? I tried talking to other people these past five days, I tried forgetting you, I tried everything.. But it's not happening, Hanna.. My heart won't let go.. And you told me..you told me yourself that you can't help what you feel for people.. What do I do now?
I want to smile at a world that has forsaken me, but my body is too weak to even try anymore..
current mood: Hurting a lot..
current music: Kodou By Dir en grey
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| Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
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10:12 pm - This pain is too much..
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I just had a crazy spell.. I miss her terribly.. Everyone I've talked to about this says that it's really sweet for me to wait for her, even if she's bound to never come back.. Everyone that I've talked to is kind of rooting me on for this.. It's great..but..it hurts being alone without her.. All I ever wanted from her was someone to talk to and love uncondtionally.. I guess i shouldn't have pushed her away.. It was my own fault.. But...this is only day one.. I've got like.. 16 days of this left..*sigh..* It was hard not hitting "Send" when I had her number up.. I yearn to hear her voice.. Why do I have to be plagued with this forbidden love..?
current mood: calm
current music: 星屑の螺旋 by Rentrer en Soi
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